I need to write again

I haven’t written in a long time. So, hello again. I had a dream, out of the blue, about the soldier the other night and he hasn’t gotten out of my head. I haven’t seen him or talked to him for like two and a half years, so I have no idea where this came from. 

Life has happened since then.  I dated someone for 6 months but that ended in early December. 

Yet here I am, wondering about the soldier. Wishing that would’ve worked out. Wanting to know what that level of attraction feels like again. Missing him. Or rather, the version I thought he was. 

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Wish list

I want love.

I want a loving family.

I want a home I’m proud of that I can invite friends over to for dinner now and then.

I want to feel safe and secure.

I want these above for myself and my daughter.

She wants a little sister. She even asked Santa in her letter to him this year. Emphasized with eight (yes, EIGHT) exclamation points. Eight.

I want another baby too. I (not so secretly) would love a boy to round out my brood.

I want a husband to help me raise this family. And to love me and live life with me when they’re grown and gone to live lives of their own.

I want him to want me and our family just as much as I do. And I want him to be happy. And always feel loved and supported.

This is my wish list this year.

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What does that even mean?

In one of the rare moments when he was somewhat serious with me, the soldier told me he didn’t think he could give me what I want. I asked him what he thought I wanted that he couldn’t give me. His reply was “emotions and time”.

Time I understand. Especially now and for the next year or two because of his position/rank.

Emotions is the one I’m unclear on. I know that he is physically attracted to me. That is obvious. I get his motor running. Our sexlife, when we have it, is amazing.

Is he saying he likes sex with me but isn’t in love with me?

Or is there more to it?

I also know that he told me he aged out of the foster system as a kid. That had to have created some trust issues in him. I can’t fully imagine what that must do to a person. Is he unable to give me emotions because he has them basically blocked as a method of self-defense? If that’s the reason, can I earn his trust and love by sticking around? Or is that futile?

Is there more to it? Will he never have love for me? Is it just me or anyone? Is he seeing or talking to anyone else?

I could ask him but he would probably ignore it.

I wish I knew. That would help me. A lot.

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Old flame and stitched finger

It’s Saturday night. My kid has gone to bed. I am essentially alone. I partly am enjoying the quiet. The solitude. The other part of me is lonely. And pondering life. My life, in particular. Probably because my period should be coming up in the next few days and I always get this way prior to that due to PMS. Lol tmi. Oh well. It’s my journal anyway. No one reads it. Also… Because I am alone.

I want what I can not have. I want someone who does not want to give himself to me in return for me giving myself to him. That’s been the theme of these last two years.

I got messaged by someone I dated before I met the soldier. Someone who I dumped right after I met the soldier. Mainly because I then knew what I wanted and it wasn’t him and it most definitely wasn’t a casual relationship.

I enjoyed his company back then for a short time. He was funny and quick and hardworking. However, he also turned moody quickly and couldn’t take what he dishes out. He was simply just not for me. Still isn’t.

I told my soldier about it. Just cause it surprised me. He acted a little off but I can’t tell if that was normal or he was a little jealous. Doesn’t matter, I guess. I just am tired of giving “chances” to men that I do not want. Men that are not him.

Why give away intimate parts of myself to men whom I do not and can not love? That’s all they really want anyway. I’m not stupid. I’ve only met a small rare handful of men who are actually in love with the rest of me. Who would do anything just to be near me, regardless of whether or not I have sex with them. Too bad they weren’t him.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m used to problem solving. I can’t solve this one. He has his own reasons and his own ideas and thoughts. I can’t make him love me. I suppose I can pull away. But then again, I’ve tried. My heart and soul and body yearn for him anyway. Like none other. It’s me that returns. Not him. I am weak when it comes to him.

This is a whole new experience for me. Maybe that’s why I can’t let him go and forget about him.

On a non-man front, I got stitches on my finger last weekend after cutting myself. You never realize how much you use your dominant hand (for EVERYTHING) until it’s rendered partially useless. So the housework has definitely fallen behind. Can’t scrub dishes to prewash them before the dishwasher. Can barely wash my own hair! Lol and that’s quickly with a plastic baggie taped around my finger.

I’m sleepy a lot this weekend. Partially because of the pain and partially because of the extreme cold front that hit early this year. Makes you wanna snuggle up and keep warm.

I wish I had someone here to take care of me in the moments when I’m not strong.

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Freaky Deaky aka Habits (Stay High)

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

So… It’s been over a couple months and still haven’t heard from him. I sent him the email asking him to leave me alone unless he wants me for real. He’s left me alone. That’s for sure.

Yet… I still can’t find anyone who compares. Anyone who turns me on the same. Or gains my respect… My submissiveness… Naturally.

He is the only man I ever felt that way with. The only man I’ve ever WANTED to submit to.

It’s not because I don’t have options or that my options are more passive… That’s not the case. The issue is that I haven’t found anyone else that I desire to submit to on a base human physical level. No one.

I’ve been good for the past two months since I was with him last. But I’ve been exploring possibilities a little and looking into some freaky deaky sex shit that I wouldn’t have given much thought of before. I want love. I want one man.

But what if I’ll never be able to return love to anyone else? I can give my body. Temporarily. But not the rest of me. Not my full respect… my natural submissiveness… and my utter trust.

So why settle then? What if I never find one I feel that much for again? Does that mean I should stay alone or not fuck anyone at all?

My drive is pretty high for a woman. But would it be worth it? And can I fuck without any feelings? Basically, can I fuck and move on like men do…?

I doubt it. Because I know myself. I wouldn’t enjoy myself. However, it HAS crossed my mind.

PS- No… I don’t drink, do drugs or have freaky deaky meaningless sex like those song lyrics suggest. I haven’t delved into a way to “numb” myself. However, I hear that song and I can understand why some people do. I can understand the allure… But I’m just not the quitting type. I’m the overcoming type.

I still can’t understand why I have these feelings for that soldier and why I can’t put it behind me like I have anyone else I’ve ever been with or dated. Why it feels unfinished when his answer is basically to abandon me. That should be answer enough.

Yet I still find myself comparing anyone I meet to how I felt when I was near him. And no one has ever even come close. Not by a long shot.

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No idea

It’s been almost a week. He hasn’t written back. I’m disappointed yet not really surprised. If he loved me, I would never have had to send such an email in the first place.

I’m still waiting for the desire in my heart for him to lessen. To extinguish itself. It hasn’t. I’m trying. I keep thinking that for all I know he’s married and lied to me the whole time. That helps me to ignore those feelings of longing when they creep up. Which is sadly still pretty often.

On other fronts, the guy who I dated and now works with me… It’s going ok… Except I think there are still some feelings on his part left. He’s texting me every day now. There’s a little awkwardness and pauses and looks. I like him as a person and he’s handsome and all… I’m just not over the soldier yet nor do I think he’s really the one for me.

And recently there’s been this Indian-American (very Americanized) guy hitting on me. He’s pretty handsome. Built and strong. Loaded apparently. I have no idea what his family does but his Mom bought him this expensive ass beautiful house on a lake. Must be worth near a million. And he travels a lot. So his family must be well off. He’s very attentive, which is a nice change. Talks to me as if I’m his princess. It’s something to consider. Lol although I bet my mom would freak if I ever married a Hindu! She’d probably pray for my soul eternally.

None of that would matter a lick if the soldier would just say the word. It is him that I want, desire. Him I respect.

But if he wanted me… He’d tell me.

And where is he?

I have no idea.

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I did it. I had been thinking about it for awhile and discussed it with a friend. (She listened but didn’t really give me any advice.) I emailed the soldier.

I told him since it’s coming closer to the 2-3 month cycle where he returns from ignoring me and suddenly starts chatting me up again a week or two before we finally meet up and have sex… That to not contact me this time or ever again unless he is prepared to have an exclusive relationship with me instead of this odd cycle we’ve had going on since January 2013.

It was scary to send that email. I don’t know how he will respond, or possibly not respond and then I never get to see the object of my affection again.

It’s not meant so much an ultimatum but rather a request for him to make a decision. I can’t keep pining for him. It’s like a yo-yo. Although the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again is excruciating… At least it will hopefully end here instead of continuing to go through that every 2-3 months.

I tried to be truthful. Yet still kind because I still love him and probably always will. So I ended the email this way:

“And if you don’t, and this is the last time you hear from me… I still wish the very best for you. The ideal life you want and deserve. And I’ll always hold a spot for you in my heart.

I just can’t keep getting it broken.

Love Always,”

So now… We shall see.

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